Tuesday, May 27, 2008


I am starting to loose faith in peoples capacities of comprehension. Like the ability to comprehend the radical concept how they treat people when times get tough. Everyone knows how to treat people when things are good, but how many people endeavour to remain decent when things get shitty. The measure of a person in my humble opinion is not how good of a friend, lover, or family member you can be when the weather is fair, but when the climate is nasty, how well can a person hold their composure when they feel terrible. It is the human excuse time and time again to glorify the fair weather days, and excuse the misdeeds of the bad days and off moments. But when can people take responsibility for themselves when they are at their worst? We should remember most closely the good days, but examine and take responsibility for the bad ones.

I believe people have it backwards. And what this backwards thinking lends itself to is people not correcting some of their undesirable attributes. Because they have no accountability to themselves or to others of how they act and treat others when they are in a bad mentality.

And this realization of mine leaves me feeling very alone.

Unlike many, but similar to a few, I examine the struggles of people, and my own very closely. And i keep adapting my ways to account for the holes i see in human communication. And the more i think get better, the further away from improvements i feel i slide.

And this adverse reaction makes me feel more alone.

I'm am beginning to think that in human struggles, whether the conflict of nations and churches, or the quarrels of lovers and friends, uncomfortable communications renders people myopic and crude. It seems like only one out of thirty encounters yields a honest and quick remedy of disclosure and reconciliation. But most people succumb to quick and crude reactions to defend bad behavior.

This reality leaves me feeling alone.

When i know i am wrong, and trust me i have a vast understanding of what i am capable in being wrong, I am true to myself, and I make it easy for another to feel validated. Because no matter how abstract i can be, and how judiciously i can argue a point or defend myself, i have a infallible sense of what is wrong of my actions. And people receive this from me. It is my unspoken gift to those I share words with to receive a clear acknowledgment of validation. That they are getting a person undiluted by my own motives. But I'm afraid when it comes to receiving this from others, the golden rule tends to vanish.

I am trying to to create myself in the likeliness of what i desire. Fair, sensible, honest, and open. I am trying to mitigate myself and others against the pitfalls of opposite sided perspectives. I am trying to show myself the nature of my own worst qualities and the misgivings in others to people so that they and I can heal, and learn how to get right with each other. But the more i study and tweak i just seem to get more uglier results.

Is it that people are unwilling to drop their egos? Or is it that we sometimes have uncompromisable defense mechanisms that cannot be shut down in order to take a better look at ourselves? Perhaps the science of introspecting is too vast, and renders people hostile to its meanings.

I have not yet had a confrontation where anyone but myself can pull themselves out of their ass to see reason. This blind defense is agonizing for me to watch. Its like people are forever shackled to their perceptions and this unbudging method creates a psychotic dysfunction that defies every plea and adjustment for reason.

These conclusions make me feel alone.

I realize that in the end this reflection is all a bunch of nothing. Like a seed that cannot sprout roots remains unfruitful, these concepts are lost to the unthoughtful, and scoffed at by the oversimplifiers.

But feeling more and more alone especially when you feel you shouldn't have to leaves me feeling abandoned.

I don't want be be alone or feel abandoned.

Either I am going to have to back to the drawing board with myself, or I am going to have to learn to have more patience in the midst of these reflections.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

To risk ones hand.

Well, this moment certainly was fun. Many years previous to this picture i remember as a boy growing up i was always around fireworks. It was a yearly tradition around the 4th of July and New Years. I have fond memories of my Grandpa bringing home a big bag of fireworks, or my Dad bringing me home some. Little firecrackers, spinners, rockets, blooms, snakes, even those little tanks that spit little sparks and rolled around. Ah yes and the sparklers, the smell of the barbecue with hint of phosphorus and sulfur lingering in the air. But now days, due to many careless users who injure themselves and others or start fires, many cities and safety focus groups are making it illegal to possess fireworks, and even the safe and sane ones.

Hmmmph, i say to that.

It's the same thing like when i was in Chemistry class. Because of sue happy parents, teachers can no longer perform chemical reactions and other cool stuff that our parents got to experience.

I don't know what it is inside me but there something so cool about fireworks. I guess its the sound and the presentation. Maybe its nostalgia. Who knows? I hope wherever i have my family it will be legal to enjoy them on the holidays, yes yes.

A Night At The Theater.

I love the theater. Though I have many loves, the theater is one of my favorites. It was Maite that told me that old cinema, or theater the best stuff available. The ablity to act, sing, and sometimes dance all at once was a true measure of peformance talent. And i now know this to be true. I think that watching musical theater is slowly becoming lost on people, sad truly. While people are lost in the soup of Dancing With The Stars, American Idol (hides from Natali), and Keeping Up with the Fucking Kardashians, there are real people, dancing, singing, and portraying in ways cosmically better. Who the fuck cares about the Kardashians anywa....nevermind, i digress. I guess some would say, who the fuck cares about my blog, good point.

Well, my blog, i win.

So, here it is my, first real post. =D