Tuesday, May 27, 2008


I am starting to loose faith in peoples capacities of comprehension. Like the ability to comprehend the radical concept how they treat people when times get tough. Everyone knows how to treat people when things are good, but how many people endeavour to remain decent when things get shitty. The measure of a person in my humble opinion is not how good of a friend, lover, or family member you can be when the weather is fair, but when the climate is nasty, how well can a person hold their composure when they feel terrible. It is the human excuse time and time again to glorify the fair weather days, and excuse the misdeeds of the bad days and off moments. But when can people take responsibility for themselves when they are at their worst? We should remember most closely the good days, but examine and take responsibility for the bad ones.

I believe people have it backwards. And what this backwards thinking lends itself to is people not correcting some of their undesirable attributes. Because they have no accountability to themselves or to others of how they act and treat others when they are in a bad mentality.

And this realization of mine leaves me feeling very alone.

Unlike many, but similar to a few, I examine the struggles of people, and my own very closely. And i keep adapting my ways to account for the holes i see in human communication. And the more i think get better, the further away from improvements i feel i slide.

And this adverse reaction makes me feel more alone.

I'm am beginning to think that in human struggles, whether the conflict of nations and churches, or the quarrels of lovers and friends, uncomfortable communications renders people myopic and crude. It seems like only one out of thirty encounters yields a honest and quick remedy of disclosure and reconciliation. But most people succumb to quick and crude reactions to defend bad behavior.

This reality leaves me feeling alone.

When i know i am wrong, and trust me i have a vast understanding of what i am capable in being wrong, I am true to myself, and I make it easy for another to feel validated. Because no matter how abstract i can be, and how judiciously i can argue a point or defend myself, i have a infallible sense of what is wrong of my actions. And people receive this from me. It is my unspoken gift to those I share words with to receive a clear acknowledgment of validation. That they are getting a person undiluted by my own motives. But I'm afraid when it comes to receiving this from others, the golden rule tends to vanish.

I am trying to to create myself in the likeliness of what i desire. Fair, sensible, honest, and open. I am trying to mitigate myself and others against the pitfalls of opposite sided perspectives. I am trying to show myself the nature of my own worst qualities and the misgivings in others to people so that they and I can heal, and learn how to get right with each other. But the more i study and tweak i just seem to get more uglier results.

Is it that people are unwilling to drop their egos? Or is it that we sometimes have uncompromisable defense mechanisms that cannot be shut down in order to take a better look at ourselves? Perhaps the science of introspecting is too vast, and renders people hostile to its meanings.

I have not yet had a confrontation where anyone but myself can pull themselves out of their ass to see reason. This blind defense is agonizing for me to watch. Its like people are forever shackled to their perceptions and this unbudging method creates a psychotic dysfunction that defies every plea and adjustment for reason.

These conclusions make me feel alone.

I realize that in the end this reflection is all a bunch of nothing. Like a seed that cannot sprout roots remains unfruitful, these concepts are lost to the unthoughtful, and scoffed at by the oversimplifiers.

But feeling more and more alone especially when you feel you shouldn't have to leaves me feeling abandoned.

I don't want be be alone or feel abandoned.

Either I am going to have to back to the drawing board with myself, or I am going to have to learn to have more patience in the midst of these reflections.


natal-i said...

well. if it's any consolation even in its smallest form, these thoughts rang almost painfully true in my heart and mind. i'm having a hard time sufficiently summarizing on this subject for a decent comment, i fear (*sigh* blame it on the current heart-state), but know this: while i completely understand how these realizations and musings can leave you feeling in the abhorrably diminished minority, alone you are not, my dear friend. my heart stands firmly beside yours on this. ♥

xoxo2u said...

human nature is oblivious. your mind never stops. you think about what you could do, or what you can take back, and to change the out come of thing. but then the great part about it is you learn. you learn to listen, you learn be open, you learn to love, to be honest, and to caring about other. the list can go on. I can tell you now there is know one I mean know one that well ever think like you. and thats the unique thing about life.
so when you feel abandoned or alone it's by choice. or you put yourself there. you have a wonderful heart, soul, mind. and your ways of think seem to flow just right. and thats awesome.
I admire you, cherish you, and enjoy the friendship I have with you. (*tear in my eye*)
the hole thing was inspiring. I love to hear, and read you thoughts. i can go on. but i can get boring. so good job, keep writing.

Anonymous said...

I'm really upset right now. I deleted my first comment to you because it was extremely immature.

I won’t leave this out though:

I don't see where you feel like you can use the word "abandoned" so freely. How hurtful you are in posting this on the internet with no regard to how I would feel. Making people who read this sympathize with you on an issue that is not what you have made it seem.

I'm going to stop right here. Next time you want to make personal public, make sure you put both views up there. Just like your blog says.

BeatricCaldwell said...

My overwhelming impression upon reading this post is that you feel you’re always the one who extends the olive branch in an argument or misunderstanding. I used to believe that about myself too – and of course I still get that feeling on occasion (that’s just part of the human condition!) but now I fight it.

Feeling that you’re the only one who can “come over to the other side,” is very powerful and is extremely high ego. You believe that your position is RIGHT, but that the other person is incapable – in either mental capacity or emotional capacity of coming to an understanding. The argument isn’t resolved because you put yourself in the position of power by being the one who starts to agree.

I would suggest examining what you can do to help others extend the olive branch to you. I guarantee you are somehow making yourself inaccessible and unreachable – or even impossible for someone who truly wants to share their point of view with you. (Yes, there are some people who argue for the sake of argument, but lets assume these confrontations you’re in involve people who genuinely believe they need to bring you over to their point of view.)

One last thought: If your definition of opposite of alone always requires another person, you will always be out of control – and always left alone. Your olive branch will be driven out of fear, not love – not everyone needs or deserves reconciliation. Perhaps you should find your opposite of alone inside, and let the people that surround you be enjoyed for what they add to your life, not the fact that you need them to sustain it.

Demitri said...

Looks like you pissed off alot of people with this one buddy, nicely done! I will go ahead and give this 5 stars out of 5! *fist pump*